How are you?

"How are you?" Such a simple question. In most cases, the person asking doesn't really care about how the person really is. It's just small talk, really. However, when the person being asked the question has an answer other than "Oh, I'm good" or "Things are fine", this question almost stings. The person really wants to tell them what is really going on in their life. How their heart is breaking, how they feel so alone, and insignificant in the world, how terrified they are of the future. But we don't do that, do we? We tuck all that inside, smile and tell them what they want to hear: "Everything is going good."

So, in that case, "How are you, Claire?" Honestly, it's been rough for a while. I have given everything to God. All that I have going on is in His hands. However, I know that satan is at work. He can take all these things, even though I have turned them all in to God, and keep bringing them up in my mind. He does this with every little aspect and let's it build and build. I finally had to break down, turn down the music, and say aloud "Satan, in the name of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, get OUT! Get out of my life and quit bringing me down. Stop taking away my joy and strength."

Now things did not instantly get better after that. However, God is helping me through everything. Throughout all of this I have had the attitude of "Okay God, what are you trying to teach me?" I have been keeping my eyes open for something from Him. I might not know what I'm supposed to learn until a later time. I am fine with that. God helped me through one of the major complications this week. And I praise Him. I've been praising Him through it all.

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down

and wiped our tears away

stepped in and saved the day.

But once again, I say amen

and it's still raining.

And as the thunder rolls,

I barely hear you whisper through the rain,

"I'm with you"

and as your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

and takes away.

I will praise you in this storm.

And I will lift my hands.

For You are who You are

no matter where I am

and every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand.

You've never left my side

and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm.

I love Starkville

Yesterday was my first true tailgating experience. Emilee Taylor and I sat on the sidewalk Friday from 1 to 5 to set our tent up. We really like the spot we got and plan on getting it from here on out.
The tent (which we are still trying to name) was packed with food, friends, and games. We had lots of fun playing Ladder Golf.
The game, however, was a let down. State didn't play good at all. Oh well, nothing new.
I'm excited for the next game. I really like tailgating, especially when I have my own tent.

What has God been teaching you?
I'm seeing now more than ever that I can't lean on my earthly relationships. I see that they don't always last even when so much effort is put into them. I know that my Father is always there. He's always ready to listen, to teach, and to comfort. This week has been kind of rough. I've read the book Captivating a while back. It talks about how God romances us. I truly believe that. I mean, He knows everything about us, including what makes us happy and smile, even the little things. I'm a big fan of nature and skies. So this week God blessed us all with amazing weather. At the game, He placed a full, bright moon in the sky. Things like that and sunsets and butterflies just make me smile and thank God for putting them in my day.

Hmm....did I just mess up my blog??

....

UGH!!

I mean really? What's the point anymore?

I tried. I tried again. I fail more and more.

When will I get a break? When will this rain cloud that has been hovering over me leave?

Where is my time? my happiness?

I feel like that girl "Does anybody hear her" from Casting Crowns song. Well, do you? Do you hear me? Do you see me hurt? Do you even care? IS ANYBODY LISTENING?

Overwhelmed...

So I really don't know why I even have this blog. For one, I hardly ever update it, also, it seems as though no one reads it. Correction, no one reads it period.

Big girl school is in full swing. I love State. It's pretty overwhelming though.

So this summer was amazing and I wouldn't change it for the world, I am so glad I did it. However, one downfall of it is that since I'm not Baptist, I didn't get the "honorarium" check that everyone else got. Throughout the whole process I just kept telling myself, "God has it under control, Claire. Don't worry about it." And I didn't....until now. I still can't find a job, and everyone everywhere wants money for something from me. It's hard to stay above water. I just don't know what to do. I hate having to run to my parents every week needing money, which sadly, is what I have had to do every week. I just knew God would open a door for me in Starkville, but I haven't found it yet. Everyone says "Don't worry about it." I can't help but to worry about it.

I just feel lost right now. Everyone else seems to have it all together. Why am I such a mess? I miss the easy life of ICC. I miss being known and knowing people. I miss my teachers really caring about me. I miss the BSU and everyone that is still there.

I am trying to keep the bigger picture in mind. I'm trying to find God in all of this. I know this isn't the worse that could happen. And I'm sure if you are reading this you're just thinking I'm overreacting and maybe I am, but it's just how I'm feeling right now.

Home again, home again, jiggity jig.

I am so embarassed by how little I have written in this blog.

Well, to recap the summer...it was hard, intense, amazing, the best experience of my life. My 5 other teammates and now my brothers and sisters and I miss them dearly. We laughed, we cried, we argued, we worked things out. We got so close, it's not even funny. God taught me SO much in such a short amount of time. My eyes have been opened to many new things. Who knows what He has in store for me next summer.......to be continued I guess.

I've heard it from other missionaries that it was really hard to come home, but I didn't know for sure how it was going to be. For one it was hard to leave Nevada, but I was so excited to get home and see my family. The next few days after my return, all I wanted to do was be back in the desert. It's a strange feeling. I felt like I was so useless at home. And let me tell you, the devil was at work in me. I kept getting down on myself because of other people and would mope to others. I didn't like, still don't. But I'm keeping busy and as one friend tells me, "You're about to be lost in a sea of 18,000 new people. Be excited. You're going to make so many new friends it will be insane." So I'm keeping that in mind, and I get excited again, and also pretty scared!

As I write this, I am sitting in my room in my apartment. This has been so much fun. Moving in, decorating, and being "grown up". Classes start Monday, kinda nervous about that, but I'm sure all will go well.

Pahrump

So this week has been really busy! We had Boomerang Express VBS at one church from 9-12. Then we had Club VBS at another church from 1-3. Then we had youth VBS at the first church from 6-9. It was insane, but soooo much fun! We've learned new games and met so many new people.
Tonight, the third, we went to the park and watched the fireworks. Not real sure why Pahrump celebrates the 4th of July on the 3rd, but oh well...it was fun!
Next week all 6 of us are going to be staying in one house...the same house us girls have been in this week. The family is great. They cut up with us and everything. So, we'll be staying in Pahrump again, but working with a different church. Guess what we're doing? Boomerang Express...yay...:/ haha. I'm sure it'll be great. At night us 6 are splitting up and 3 of us are going back to the church to do youth and the other 3 will be going to a Spanish church. No, I'm not going to Spanish church. My Spanish consists of putting an "o" on the end of words. The door-o. Can I have a drink-o? See, not that good at it...
It's been a month since I've seen my house and my family. It's been hard at times, but for the most part, I'm doing fine. I can't wait to see everyone again in another month though. I have mixed emotions about our time. In one case it's like Dang, I've been out here for a whole month! But in another case, it's like Dang, it's only been a month. I want it to end, but then again, I don't. It's going to be hard to leave here and leave my team.
Happy Fourth of July! So thankful to be living in a country that I can freely and openly worship my God. So proud of all the men and women who risk their lives for my freedom. Praise God for them!
Love yall!!